Shocking

My life shocks me. It really does. I mean sure there is a stress point here or there, but in all honesty, its amazing. The projects, the classes, the opportunities, but especially the people, it blows my mind.

Everything is illuminated by the past. It may not be true that we are who we were, but we certainly are because we were.

Today I went to chapel, compelled by the word that John Guerra would be leading worship the whole time. I remained on the verge of tears for the duration of the service. Sometimes it was difficult to choke the words out. O the deep deep love of Jesus. Nothing but the blood of Jesus. It occurred to me during these gutting songs that I love Jesus. It is strange because it is the sort of thing I have tried to do for ages, not that I haven't ever, but today it was a discovery, a shocking one, like finding you are in love with a friend who you've known forever but never expected to love. It wasn't me trying to love God anymore, simply me discovering that I have been seduced hopelessly. Perhaps it is the only way it can really happen, because generally my striving to love him seems to result in a numbness. It is an ellusive devil that I chase and chase and when I finally catch it I find my hand empty of anything but a dead shell. And just when I am standing there staring at the shell, trying to figure out where I went wrong I am attacked from behind and realize that I have been the prey all along and the faster I ran the farther I got from the hunter. This may make sense only to my mind just now, but I needed to get it down on something.