jogging on.

Life is so arbitrary, so unquantifiable. I often wonder what I am doing and who the hell I think I am. I find it a difficult question, troubling often. Disturbing occasionally.

I am honest or honestly trying to fake it.
I am sure of myself or sometimes think I am.
I am mature or play mature sometimes.
I don't need people's affirmation or I crave it as quietly as possible.
I am generous or I am careful to let everyone see when I am.
I don't care or I care so much I hurt in my gut where it is dark and hidden.
I don't need answers or I just can't find the ones I'm looking for.

Somehow one foot gets placed in front of the other and the days roll by twenty-four hours at a time. Some part of me thinks eventually the feet will get the rest somewhere worth being, but this is conjecture at best, and those parts of me aren't even really able to articulate what a place worth being would look like. They get confused, sometimes they think they are already there. Not today. Today they stare hard ahead into the foggy future and squint as though they are trying to see what is there when really they are just squinting to try to hold back the tears, to keep anyone from asking why they are crying. Just keep walking, keep putting one foot in front of the other. We'll make it there, where ever "there" is.

interpret as desired.

Your Brain is 80% Female, 20% Male

Your brain leans female You think with your heart, not your head Sweet and considerate, you are a giver But you're tough enough not to let anyone take advantage of you!

What Gender Is Your Brain?



Hmm. Not going to pretend thats not a little disturbing.

80%.

Hmm.

Sweet and considerate?



Maybe I answered the questions wrong.

The importance of seeing Earnest

Well, in spite the fact that Carver and I had to do an Olympic sprint from the El station to the theater, had to ask someone where it was after scouring the block and a half that surrounded it for ages, had to bang on the door and ring the doorbell multiple times to be allowed in, fork over our life savings, and then had to be snuck in at a subtle moment, the play itself did end up being quite anticlimactic. Fortunately, I kept a photo journal of the events which followed for your viewing pleasure. Unfortunately almost nothing interesting followed, but I took pictures anyway, and here they are:

this is carver.

this is what he looks like when he is angry. kind of scary.


we were waiting for the el train to come and it was cold...


So I took this picture for no reason....

and then we played this game called expression review which I made up on the spot. I named something and he summed up his sentiments on that subject with a single expression.

This is his sentiments about the play we just saw.


This was his sentiment about last friday night.

This was his sentiment regarding David Todd.

This is his sentiment regarding the prospect of Spring Break.

This expression sums up his entire year.

This is a general message to the blogspot audience.

Then we ate this at a cheap Italian place called Go Romas.

Complete with "lemonade" which is just water with a few lemons and some non-soluble large grain sugar.

The end.

boring

I feel like all of my posts now are just more of the same, so rather than continuing to bore everyone who reads them, particularly everyone who reads them and knows me in person since they recieve a double dose, I thought I would construct a more creative and hopefully more interesting post. Now I just have to figure out what that will be.

Well.


I got nothing.





Damn.

Shocking

My life shocks me. It really does. I mean sure there is a stress point here or there, but in all honesty, its amazing. The projects, the classes, the opportunities, but especially the people, it blows my mind.

Everything is illuminated by the past. It may not be true that we are who we were, but we certainly are because we were.

Today I went to chapel, compelled by the word that John Guerra would be leading worship the whole time. I remained on the verge of tears for the duration of the service. Sometimes it was difficult to choke the words out. O the deep deep love of Jesus. Nothing but the blood of Jesus. It occurred to me during these gutting songs that I love Jesus. It is strange because it is the sort of thing I have tried to do for ages, not that I haven't ever, but today it was a discovery, a shocking one, like finding you are in love with a friend who you've known forever but never expected to love. It wasn't me trying to love God anymore, simply me discovering that I have been seduced hopelessly. Perhaps it is the only way it can really happen, because generally my striving to love him seems to result in a numbness. It is an ellusive devil that I chase and chase and when I finally catch it I find my hand empty of anything but a dead shell. And just when I am standing there staring at the shell, trying to figure out where I went wrong I am attacked from behind and realize that I have been the prey all along and the faster I ran the farther I got from the hunter. This may make sense only to my mind just now, but I needed to get it down on something.